Letter’s to My Grandchildren    

What I Want You to Know About Me……

It’s hard to think of something since we live close and we do know a lot about each other. That can be good but sometimes you can feel you know too much about a person and that can lead to taking them for granted or making assumptions. Sometimes we don’t know people as well as we think we do. I think there is always more to learn about a person and any time we have a chance to really know another person it is a gift.

I have always been shy. It inhibited me when I was young from trying new things or meeting new people. I had to feel very comfortable before I would open up or try something new. My mother always seemed to be embarrassed about my shyness, although she also was a shy person. Maybe I mirrored too much of what she saw in herself that she didn’t like.

 I can remember hiding behind her when I was introduced to new people and she would make comments about my shyness that I interpreted as being a bad thing to be. Adults would say I was painfully shy, I knew I didn’t feel any real pain so thought that meant my shyness was painful to others. I also saw the pain in my mother’s face so felt that my shyness caused her pain and embarrassment.  I had one grandmother who was always trying to set up play dates for me and introduce me to her friends and when I didn’t interact well with them she showed her displeasure and frustration with me.

As I got older, a teenager, my shyness was often seen as being stuck up. Being stuck up was not something most teenagers wanted to be called but for me it gave me a cover for my shyness and I used it. I also used my sarcasm and judgment of others as a defense from allowing other people to get too close. Those defenses made me feel like I had more power over the situation than simply being labeled as shy. Being shy made me feel vulnerable, being stuck up and judgmental felt like the control was back in my hands. I now know that isn’t the case at all. It only kept people away and caused me another level of pain of often feeling alone and ignored.

 I never have been able to engage easily with people and the friends I do have I think are there in spite of me. Obviously they saw something in me to like even if I had a hard time seeing it in myself. I value my friends because they did stick around long enough to break through my shell and helped me to know and like myself better. By their acceptance of me I was able to show my real self that I had been hiding and I could begin to accept who I really was.  Also my other grandmother, who accepted me for who I was, helped me to feel more comfortable in my own skin. She accepted my shyness and encouraged me to open new avenues of imaginary play and creativity.

One I accepted my shyness, and didn’t always see it as a flaw in my personality I was able to open a little more to others.  Now I’ve come to see my shyness as a strength also. I love to sit back and observe and I think sometimes by not being in the center of attention I learn a lot about others by quiet observation. Maybe that’s just my rationalization but I still enjoy observing much more than having the attention on me.  I work on not being judgmental when I observe but try to truly understand where the other is coming from, sometimes imagining their inner pain or struggles that they have too.

My shyness still inhibits me at times and probably always will. By trying to accept it, embrace it, and work with it rather than against it, my shyness no longer holds the pain and embarrassment that I once felt.  My shyness has become my supper power, my way of seeing the world and quietly interacting with it.

I’m so fortunate that we get to spend so much time together and get to know and understand each other so well. I hope I never take that for granted and we always keep learning more about each other.